email #1: when is it really over?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I found this 6-year old letter on my email. I cant remember how it got to me but it was forwarded to my yahoo from my previous company email account. lol! Its a sad piece but its very well-written. Don't read it if you're happy with your love life, hahaha. This is so depressing. I just wish I'm not the one who wrote this.

This is one of the mornings after another sleepless night that I cannot help not ask myself, why didn't I have a good night sleep again? Then I would just joke myself and answer it with, maybe someone's been thinking of me all night....hahaha!

Jokes are always half-meant, a friend said once. And maybe...just maybe, behind that joke, there's this wishful thinking that someone has really been thinking of me. Then the memory of someone from the past would, again, bounce in my head...disturb my sanity and make my day half-miserable.

What if he's thinking about me? What if he still loves me? It's just another imagination, I know. Another day of what if's and maybe's.

For the nth time, I've told myself that when it's over, it's really over! There's no sense turning back or even trying to pick up the pieces again. It's time to move on and face the reality!

When it's over, is it really over? When you decide to let go, do you really succeed in letting go?

I just heard the latest song of Sugar Ray a while ago. Here's the few lines that caught my attention:

When it's over, That's the time I fall in love again...When it's over, That's the time you're in my heart again...

How can you possibly say it's over when you're still in love with the person you said you were over with already? I guess it's not that easy when the chain of the past locks you in the chest of false hopes and leads you to a place called fantasy with Cinderella and Snow white as your best friends! The three of you would gather on the hilltop and after a while three young, drop-dead gorgeous princes would come riding on their horses to join the picnic under a tree.

How pathetic! But, admit it or not, it's true...

The hardest part of losing a loved one is to accept the fact that they're gone and might never come back again. There are things that will always remind you of your togetherness...the places you've been, his or her favorite food you used to cook for him or her, expressions you used to hear from him or her and songs you've both loved to sing.

These are the memories that'd linger on your mind from time to time. Because you were both in love before (or so you think), it makes you hope for another chance. You begin to believe on what others said that love is lovelier the second time around and the line from Ally McBeal, "whoever said that 'plenty of fish in the sea' thing is lying. Sometimes, there's only me."

We would desperately believe that what happens in the movies might also happen to us one day.

Who didn't like the lines from the movie "Runaway Bride" where Julia Roberts told Richard Gere, "I guarantee that we'll have tough times; I guarantee that in some point, one of us would want to get out; I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret this for the rest of my life, 'coz I know in my're the only one for me."

We tend to think that the person who left us will come back one day and say those words, or just simple words but would promise forever. Problems may occur every now and then, but we would consider those things as trials to be conquered in order for the relationship to bloom and mature.

Oouucchh! Reality just bit me!

More often than not, these romantic movies and mushy love songs only make us long for something we cannot have...and for someone who cannot be ours again. It hurts to admit that we are just pretending. All the while, we already knew the truth but we ignore it. When the damage is done, there's nothing left to do but mourn for the bitterness in our hearts. Then curse anybody who gets in the way.

I'm scared!!!

As long as we still hold on to the past, the chance of meeting someone new may be a bit far off the field.
The fear of trusting and falling in love again may also hinder us to grow and move on. We are hesitant to take the risk, afraid that we may get hurt again. Because of the negative thoughts stocked in our brains, we refuse to go out from our self-made world and deprive ourselves from new opportunities, whether in love affairs or career wise.
Let's face it! Betrayal can be anywhere and anyone can be a victim. The worst part is when the one we truly, madly and deeply love is the one who will betray us in the end. Then we are left with nothing but a broken heart and wounded pride. Sad... but true.

Reality check please...

It can happen to anyone but we shouldn't just take things as it comes. An action must be done. We should take care of ourselves from the hungry wolves in the jungle. It's just a matter of survival. Stand up when you fall.

It's okay to cry as hard and as long as you want to, just make sure that when you stop crying, you won't cry for the same reason anymore. Learn and live. Love is the most wonderful thing one can offer, so be smart enough to give the love in your heart to the one who really deserves it.

by h2Omelon GurL @ 9:55 PM with 1 comments


all this clutter

i recently found out that my yahoo mail has reached more than 50%.... that's more than 500MB of emails and 1M (yes one million emails) of those i haven't read. anyway, i decided to do something worthwhile this time around. i wanted to organize my emails, delete those forwarded ones, specially those huge ones. as i go through them one by one, i thought that some are worth keeping. so i decided to post some of them here on my blog so i can share them with you. i rarely forward emails, especially those that requires strenuous press-"page-down"-key-till-you-reach-the-actual-email-content. its funny that some email users are too lazy to delete the original mail headers as they forward. i rather post them here so as to avoid cluttering someone else's email. hahaha. keep reading, i'll post some of those stories, jokes, etc. here.

anyway, someone told me i look like 33 years old! i was aghast! he told me the dark areas around my eyes are too noticeable that he recommended that i use a concealer. the worst part of it is that that guy is straight! geesh! i've been feeling kinda low right now. i feel so unattractive that the only guys who would take notice in me are those people who were online during the irc controversy... those who heard my voice. and im sure that they are interested only because they're sure that i'm one of the female species (or at least sound like one). i rarely go to spas these days... i havent had time for my facials... and i've missed a lot of sleep (not that its unusual for me, lol!) plus the fact that im so stressed out over simple things like where to go for dinner (or if i should eat dinner at all). sigh! even i'm sporting a new do, i still look haggard. my self-confidence is hitting rock-bottom right now. sigh!

so im planning to take it easy these next days to come... maybe try sleeping early and waking up late. sleep the whole weekend off and start my gym sessions by june. oh! i still have to pass my driver's license exam next next week. im not sure if im free though. as you can see, i've been spending much as well. maybe i'll save up starting july... or august... or... whenever, lol!

im into watching heroes tv series these days. youtube has stopped providing most series uploads so i've found another site. i'd rather watch them on stream than download (im THAT impatient, lol!). i missed my dr. house. maybe after heroes i'll try searching for series 3.

here are the things i need to focus on so i can look younger (again? did i ever look young for my age? sigh!)
- laugh a little (i wouldnt want to look crazy)
- drink plenty of water
- relax every x 'oclock f
or 5 minutes where x is multiple of 3.
- dont forget my lotion and sunscreen. and more importantly, put them on!
- sleep at the very least... 7 hrs.
- spa twice a month, facial once a month
- and smile a lot.... i mean a LOT!

by h2Omelon GurL @ 8:51 PM with 0 comments


the end of the wannabee

Friday, May 04, 2007

after days of trying to find out who was pretending to be me on irc, i finally hit the bulls eye. with the help of friends and people from the telco, i can now say i know who that person is. sad thing is that i was hoping that my first hunch was wrong. i still cant accept that someone who ruined my quiet life would be so offensive as to ruin my image. i was supposed to be the one to do such thing... to feel so much hate towards that person and wish death on that individual.

well, i do wish it sometimes. im still human and anger is a natural feeling after the pain. revenge would cross my mind coz, let's face it... everyone thinks of it. i mean, we both got hurt. so i guess thats enough, right? we're all grown-ups and what happened was unintentional. everyone should accept the fact that EVERYTHING WAS UNINTENTIONAL. plus the fact that if someone would do the first offensive move, that person should be me! i dont need to ask forgiveness to anyone as they've hurt me first.

anyway, enough is enough. i need to move on with my life... and if that person bothers me again, i can't promise that i'd stay nice and sweet. every person has their limits. you dont want to push me too much. believe me! i've never been angry to the point of wanting to hurt someone since grade 3. when i'm angry i use words; when i hate, i keep quiet and hit someone, for real! and i can go on hurting you physically coz i'll never get satisfied. so dont push me. a person can only take as much... i can fight and i will fight!

by h2Omelon GurL @ 10:39 PM with 0 comments


things you know, you've learned

Sunday, April 29, 2007

im a very trusting person. i hate to think people could do harm to anyone without a good reason... or at least a reason. everybody has a reason to do something. you cant just be that bored and say, "hey, there's nothing to do so why dont i ruin this person for the time being" for me, that's unheard of.

so there i was chillin' when my cell beeped a message. one message after another... and that was enough overthrow a nice dvd movie, and i bet even a "house" marathon. but it got worse, people were asking if that was me on friendster and if i was available for... oh, you dont wanna know since i always wanted to run a PG-level (Parental Guidance needed) blog. men started calling me, wanted to meet up, asking for you-know-what session. and all i can say was what the hell was happening!

i had to do something so i asked one guy how "we" supposedly met. he said he's chatting with me that very moment. like what?!!!! i asked the irc server, channel and "my so-called nickname". i was online ... or the person who was pretending to be me. wow! talk about being an instant celebrity. now i remembered why i deleted my friendster account years back. tsk!

the rest of the story is confidential but this blog would remind me of it. i feel so awkward trusting people now. they just get back at you, bite you real hard... or the pain exaggerates only coz its unexpected. you trust... they lie. like house say, "everybody lies". but then, i think people lie so others wont be hurt. so my mind keeps on asking the Why's just coz i hate to point fingers.

i hurt now... whoever that person will feel the same way if not now, then someday. fate is only unfair until it gets even. and i believe it will, by then fate will be called karma.

thing is, my friendster email so at they wont be able to bother much unless they know my last name. i'll change numbers by june so no biggie really. whats really funny is that they find my photos nice. i didnt know i was attractive... or maybe there are men who are just desperate. hahaha!

by h2Omelon GurL @ 11:37 AM with 0 comments


i'm rollin'...

Sunday, April 08, 2007

i've been driving around for the past few days. but today was really special. after my driving lessons, i realized that driving is fun.

yup. weird things have been happening to me but at least now i know im my same old self with a plus. i can change... enjoy the things that i dont like in the past. funny eh? but driving tends to relax my mind and focus on the streets, especially if professional drivers keeps honking their horns regardless if you're moving or the car's engine stopped. i know how tempting to do these stuff to a car with a "Warning: Student Driver" sign on it. c'mmon admit it guys, you've done that at least once in your life.

so i was saying... if i can change the things that i like. maybe i can do the reverse of it... dislike the things i like. hmmm like be able to squash a walking cockroach... or shower together with some naked strangers in a spa(women only ofcourse).

you dont know how comforting to know that i can do just that. now i know i still have the strength of mind... to control my emotions. i need this kind of flexibility to protect myself. tonight has been fruitful to me. i've confirm that... i'm still me, a bit broken... yes but surviving and thats the most important part of my self-discovery. friends are not always there for me, so i have to do things on my own.... like driving for instance.

we are individually complete on our own. we only search for someone who will complement us in life. if ever i'm meant to walk this life alone, its fulfilling to know that i can do it.

-------Excepts from my driving sessions:
Instructor: Ma'am marunong po ba kayong magovertake?

Student: Hindi ko pa kaya no.
Instructor: O sige ma'am. Intayin na lang natin yung pedicab. Dito lang tayo drive sa likod nya.

Happy Easter everyone!!!

by h2Omelon GurL @ 7:52 PM with 1 comments


late bloomer

Friday, March 23, 2007

people would laugh @ me as im rediscovering the fascinating world of friendster. they kept on saying that the friendster is out. i had a friendster account before but decided its just another way to invite stalkers. i dont know why i created a new one. maybe i got jealous.... yeah i got jealous (lol!) so im trying to recover the friends i seem to have lost all these years.

i would stay awake for hours trying to figure out the names of my old buddies, as old as my grade school days and im amazed how time changed for them. one of them is now a male model with a bod that ladies would crave for. and this same guy was my regular partner in class and even school programs. i was really suprised with the transformation. most of my girl friends are married and have kids. the guys are more or less in a relationship and planning to get married soon.

then i look back at myself. what have i accomplished in life? darn, what do i want to accomplish?!!!

when i was in highschool, i thought i would get married and have kids before im 30. why? coz by the time my baby's 20 years old, i'll be around fifties and ... well, generation gap would definitely be a problem. i want to enjoy my grandkids before im 60 and that would mean my kid has to marry before 25! lol. talk about time pressure. thats what i want. to achieve everything i could in my career as a programmer, have a happy family, own a business (probably related to food or a pre-school), watch my kid grow up while holding the hand of the person i would love for the rest of my life. i think thats enough for me. of course being darn rich would be a plus. lol! but honestly, as long as my family is happy, money is just a necessity but not an issue.

hey maybe some of you would see me that way on friendster. whatever! hahaha.

by h2Omelon GurL @ 10:33 PM with 0 comments


status update

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

hey! thanks for reading. actually im amazed that people are still visiting the site of the lazy blogger. hahaha.

bad news have been bugging me for weeks. i've been so down these days.

lovelife: close to nada. i rarely see the bf as he got the weirdest schedule as usual. he has tuesdays and wednesday off and works 12am till morning. and this week, he's been out to galera and we dont talk much... not even on the phone.

career: overworked as usual. gets up before 8am, arrives at the office at 9am work till almost 9pm, gets home at past 10pm. i barely have time for lunch and dinner and i think we're still delayed with our deliverable. dont get me wrong, its not totally my fault. the timeline is too tight for such a huge project. dependencies, requirements and specs are late. its crazy.

socials: everyone i know is in a relationship and that translate to being friends being busy. so while they're enjoying their newfound love. and with my work sched, i'm too tired to even to go online at night. worst, im too wasted that i would say no to shopping!

the only good part is i still have the energy to go to a spa for a good massage. i went to urban escape this week; though i cant remember what day it was. i tend to forget the date lately. their vip room has its own shower room. really nice! and mary, my masseuse was very nice and never failed to give attention to those parts that ache.

i just realized that there's a lot of spas in the quezon city area, particularly on timog ave. for now, i'll just pamper myself to drown my loneliness. lol. at least now, i still have time to blog, right?

ok back to my project documentation. sigh!

by h2Omelon GurL @ 11:14 AM with 1 comments


on with the show

Sunday, March 11, 2007

wow! i cant imagine what happened in the last two months. everything was a blur... too fast to even notice that i missed a lot of blogging. what happened to me? i dunno. this year i got a new job... something that i really like. but you cant imagine how stressful it is... how demanding the client is. but then again, like i said... this is what a like. blame me for being sadomasochist in the workplace. hahaha.

honestly, i still feel like its january. i didnt had a chance to create a new year's resolution, did i? yeah, most of the time i ignore it anyway. we are all guilty of ignoring the list, one time or the other. so im going to list down the things i want to do this year or at least before i'm 30 years old.

1. learn to swim - i know!!! summer is coming and i'm still afraid once the water reaches my nose. lol. the only good thing is my height. at least i'd be far enough before that happens. but then again, i still have to learn and my previous attempts are all unsuccessful. need a patient teacher. any takers?
2. get a driver's license - this is like the 3rd time i've applied for a student license. i've been such a regular that the staff asked me if i have any plans to get a real license at all. hahaha. i really dont plan to drive unless necessary. i'm expecting to have someone who can drive me around. i only need the license for the sake of having one. now the problem is, i have to learn how to drive. sigh!
3. go to tagaytay - everyone i know has been there!!! its frustrating to know that its closer than baguio and i havent even been to tagaytay. i have heard of nice eating places and spas in that place. i have to get there... i have to!
4. own a car - with a driver ofcourse. see number 2.
5. get my old abs back - its summer. i have to tone down. i dont want to hit the beach with my
current state. need to loose inches off the waistline. any suggestions, people? gym?
6. have a baby girl - who's as cute as me. err, do i have to get married first???? but i only want the baby. husbands are such a liability. hahaha. im soooo glad that bf's not reading my blog these days.

i dont know what else. my mind's been working a lot these days and sunday is it's rest day so it goes blank. hahaha. anyway, i'll try to update my site every so often. and i'd like to say congrats to dallas mavs for getting into the playoffs.

by h2Omelon GurL @ 10:31 PM with 3 comments